Its The End

THE END~~

its the end of our relationship..
i do love him but im not sure whether we can continue with those relationship.
so, ive decided to let him go and let him find other girl that suite him so much..
im a coward person cause im too afraid of what will happen to us in the future..

my Lord...
give me the courage to let him go for the rest of my life
and let me accept the truth that we cant be together...

The Desire

I'm certain that you are familiar with the saying, "ask and you shall receive." On the other hand, if you don't ask, how or why should you expect to receive. Many times we don't receive things in life because we have never asked for them. We want them, we expect them but we don't ask for them. Asking is a form of faith; asking is having faith in God, that he will deliver what you ask for, as long as what you ask for will serve mankind. God wants you to ask because by your asking, you are demonstrating to God that you need his help. God is please by and appreciates your humility. Think about this for a moment, why would God gives us the ability to ask for something, anything, if he would not acknowledge our asking and help us to receive it? I ask God daily to be my guide and mentor on my journey to manifest my dreams and visions. He doesn't always provide for us what we want but He usually provides what we need. This may be a bad analogy but I'm certain that most of you are familiar with the lines from one of the Rolling Stones songs, "you can't always get what you want but if you try sometime, you'll find, you get what you need." God simply wants us to try. You can't expect to ask God for abundance and prosperity and expect Him to do all the work, while you sit on your bottom, looking forward to your dreams coming true. First, you must ask, and then you must try!

However, I'm writing here not to advice people about what they should or should not do to achieve their dreams or wishes. I just would like to share about myself and what am I going to write for this post is about my own dreams and desires.

So now, its time for me to share about my real desire....

As you can see the picture at the right side... I wish I could be like her.. and I want to be a model soooooooo bad! Being a model has become one of my dreams for a very long time. I’m twenty this year and my dream is to be a high fashion runway model. I never thought I wanted to be a model, not until I realized how jealous I felt every time I saw someone I knew or that was my age that was a model, and how every time I saw someone walking on the streets that resembled a model, I would look at them like they were someone famous. Plus, I love to watch any TV shows which related to modelling and fashion such as America's Next Top Model and Project Runaway at channel 712. The successes of supermodels like Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum inspired me a lot!~ I never go a day without thinking of my dream, but I also never go a day without thinking that maybe I won’t fit the criteria. My biggest fear is the height. My goal is to achieve at least 5’8, but there’s no chance for me to achieve that height since I have turned 20th now and my height is only 5’2!!!! But then... I'm not sure with the exact height and body measurement required for Malaysian model.. Furthermore, I'm not sure whether my body measurement fit the criteria or not...

There is no greater pain than not being with the one you love

There is so much I want to share with you,
But my words are lost within me
I have so many emotions
How do I make you see

Life is not that simple
Hear this from my heart
Our love will concur all
As we stand here at the start.

Not speaking to you is killing me
You there and me here
But one day soon that will change
And I will finally have you near.

The Angels they did send you
The day that we met
Our love will last forever
As in concrete it is set

Come fly, fly with me
Oh come fly with me
We can explore our love together
And set our emotions free

For the skies are without limits
And the tree tops we sour too
Perched upon a branch
Our love is forever true

I never meant for this to happen
But I am sure glad it did
Hearing your love and laughter
Makes me feel like a kid

Please never doubt my love
What is shared between you and me
Cause I am here to hold you
You just wait and see

But for now, I have to be patient
And except our destiny
But I promise you this my darling
You are forever within me

"Saat Terakhir"

Tak pernah terfikir olehku
Tak sedikit pun ku bayangkan
Kau akan pergi tinggalkan ku sendiri

Begitu sulit ku bayangkan
Begitu sakit ku rasakan
Kau akan pergi tinggalkan ku sendiri

Di bawah batu nisan kini kau tlah sandarkan
Kasih sayang kamu begitu dalam
Sungguh ku tak sanggup ini terjadi
Kerna ku sangat cinta

Inilah saat terakhir ku melihat kamu
Jatuh airmata ku menangis pilu
Hanya mampu ucapkan
Slamat jalan kasih

Satu jam saja ku telah bisa
Cintai kamu, kamu, kamu di hati ku
Namun bagi ku melupakan mu
Butuh waktu ku seumur hidup

Satu jam saja ku telah bisa
Sayangi kamu di hati ku
Namun bagi ku melupakan mu
Butuh waktu ku seumur hidup
Di nanti ku...

lyric by ST12

The Person I Hate vs Love Most

It hurts you more than it does the person who has caused your bitterness. Realize no one is perfect, and we've all needed forgiveness at one time or another. Forgiveness is about grace, not fairness. Life simply isn't fair. Letting go is not and will never be accomplished in one sitting. You can forgive and really mean it, but later may feel the pain again, therefore, you must repeatedly choose to let go every time you start to feel resentful. Eventually, your emotions will catch up with your decision. Offering forgiveness is essential to your spiritual and emotional health. Believe me; easier said than done...

Yeah~ the word "Forgiveness" for me seems to be the hardest thing to do. You might forget but you might not really forgive or is it you might forgive but you couldn't forget bout it. So, which phrase is more suitable in my case? The one that I hate is the one I love most in this world. My dad, my father, my papa... why is it hard for me to forget everything that you have done before? When I saw you now, deep down my heart says "why did you do that before and make me hate you dad? Why don't you just be like the other fathers who used to care and accept his daughter with full of love? And do you have to make my mum suffered with your behaviour?"

You used to be a cruel guy that I ever met in this world. You hated me from the first time I came to this world? But why? Is that because instead of having a son for your second child, you got me as your daughter? But what did I done wrong? I too never want to come to this world and why should you hate me just because that reason? You know, sometimes I felt like I’m not your real child. Maybe I’m just a child which the two of you adopted~ Instead of treat me like a daughter, you treat me like a son. How could it be?

You used to quarrel with mom in front of me and the others. You enjoyed yourself with your scandals and you used to slap and mad at my mom with harsh words in front of the public!! Have you ever thought what people said to us (your children)?? Well yeah!!! Of course you never think bout that because you even don't know what people said to us when they saw you were acting like that in front of the public!!

And sometimes, I thought you were just being a very good to me now because you know that I can bring you benefits as you have found that my future is brighter than the other. You make me feel like I’m your "pet" and do as what you have planned. You gave me everything, anything that I want as long as I do very well in my studies. Whenever I asked for money, you will give it straight away. But then, have you ever consider how lonely I am? How hurt I am? Yes!!! I've done very well in my studies in the past and why it is?? Because I want to prove it to you that I can do better than a son can do to his father! I just want you to be aware the presence of me... your second child, the one that you hated most in the past! Yes dad, I do this because I want your attention!!

Even though I knew that you have tried to be a better person now, I just can’t forget for what you has done dad. I know that I don't have the right to judge you. But the thing is... it’s hard for me. Even though you might see me act like I’m al right, but the deep down in my heart, I’m totally not al right. Anyhow, I’m trying my best to forget it as you have changed a lot recently... I'm sorry dad~ I'm truly sorry. And thanks for giving me the finer things in life... Your time, your care, your love and your money.

And here is some poem dedicated especially for you dad...

Did I ever say thanks for all the toys you mended, games we played, outings to the park, and the way you always tried to cheer me when I was down?
Did I ever say thanks for the sacrifices you made so I could be involved in so many enriching activities?
Did I ever say thanks for working so hard to provide for our family?
Did I ever say thanks for having such faith in me and always being there when I needed you?
Most of all, did I ever say thanks for caring?
DAD, I LOVE YOU



God, bless all the fathers in the world. Guide them to be good role models and loving to all their children. Help them to be a father like You are. Give them grace and patience to handle situations in a loving way.

First Love

"One could fall in love many times during the course of a lifetime, but the first rush of love always holds a special place in our hearts."

Theoretically first love can happen in any age or not happen at all. But most people had fallen in love for the first time when they were teenagers and me, like the others had experienced my first love when I’m in form 3. That exciting new experience most of us remember very well during all our life. For an adult, their own high school problems and the problems of their children seem very funny, silly and simple especially compared with all the difficulties of adult life. Somehow people tend to forget how tragic and full of drama life and relationships we were in our adolescence. I in my teenager age fall in love and it happen for the first time that I feel all its ups and downs for the first time either. In that age I admit that I mostly enjoy myself and study the new emotions inside and show much interest for the inner world of first boyfriend.

"Once we start to show interest to the persons of the other sex and a little later instinctively choose our first love. The relationships between two sexes will interest and trouble us during all our future life but these first steps are always the most difficult and for some of us turn to be very painful. Teenager has a growing and changing body that he/she hasn’t started to understand yet and a delicate soul which is so easy to hurt."

YES! Of course! And I can consider my first love is a tragic memory that I’ve ever gone through till now. I met my first love in the same school with me. At that time, he was my senior and having a preparation for his SPM in the end of the year while I’m in form 3. As we gone through the relationship with full of happiness throughout the year, then, its time for him to move out from the school and he had decided to continue his study in UK as he got an excellent result in his SPM. As time passed by, he seems to be a different person as he became more seldom contacting me and replying my emails till one day, he doesn't reply them at all and never contact me any more. I've tried my best to search for his presence, and tried as much as I can by sending emails to any of his email addresses. But then, there is nothing in return.

From that moment, I just considered that he had already forgotten me and maybe he already had his new girlfriend. And me?? From that moment never believe guys~ why? Err... I’m not sure bout that... But for sure I never believe in the presence of TRUE LOVE in this world. I'm develop being a girl who doesn't really believe in SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS and never give any commitments in any relationship with my boyfriends (accepting them just because they proposed me and will leave them if I am not comfortable with them).

However, I’ve only found out that my first boyfriend (which I’ve told in the beginning of the story) had been died because of Leukaemia about a month he was in UK. The real purpose for him to go to UK is not for continuing his study but to seek for treatment there as the cancer had reached the critical phase. When I heard this from his sister, I felt like I’m the only one that does not know anything bout that. And what makes me more disappointed is that, I only knew bout this in 4 years later!! How on Earth?? How could it be like this? I lost the one I loved much and I don't even know bout it? Err... for sure, I don't know why do this incident happened in my life... and I’m regret cause not being able to say even the words "GOODBYE" or "THANKS FOR EVERYTHING" to him. May the light of God enlighten him and may he be blessed.

Anyhow, live as much as you can and now, I’m happy with my new boyfriend even though he too suffering for ITP which I’ve been shared in my previous post entitles "ITP and LOVE".

Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura and Love

Immune thrombocytopenic purpura: A blood disorder characterized by the destruction of blood platelets due to the presence of antiplatelet auto antibodies. (Auto antibodies are antibodies directed against the patient's own cells, in this disorder, the patient's own platelets.) Thrombocytopenia refers to a decrease in platelets (also known as thrombocytes). Purpura pertains to the visible hallmarks: purplish areas in the skin and mucous membranes (such as the mouth lining) where bleeding has occurred as a result of decreased platelets.

The main clinical feature in ITP is bleeding. Aside from purpura, evidence of bleeding can include easy bruising ("ecchymosis") and tiny red dots on the skin or mucous membranes ("petechiae"). In some instances, bleeding from the nose, gums, gastrointestinal or urinary tracts may also occur. Bleeding within the brain is a rare but feared complication.

Acute ITP most commonly occurs in young children. Boys and girls are equally affected. Symptoms often, but do not necessarily, follow a viral infection. About 85% of children recover within 1 year and the problem does not return. ITP is considered chronic when it lasts more than 6 months. The onset of chronic ITP may be at any age.

The treatment of ITP depends on the severity of the disease. No therapy is needed in some mild cases. In most cases, drugs that alter the immune system's attack on platelets are prescribed.

Why?? Why do I post those information and give the title "Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura and Love" in this post? So now, I just want to share about my own love story instead of writing definition of love or whatsoever as in the previous posts. ITP... and why this disease makes my life miserable recently? Well, is not me... it’s about my boyfriend who suffered this kind of disease since he was young. When he told me that he is suffering from this disease, I was so shocked and I can’t even think of anything the whole night. I kept wondering why must he? And why does God always gives me the hardest time when it comes to the one I love most? Is that only a coincidence where every time I thought that I want to change to be a better person and when decided to be loyal towards my couple? Sometimes I do ever think of not going to love someone with all my heart... But then, I am the ordinary girl... Who wants her life to be filled with lots of love around her?

God, may he be blessed and please give me the chance to love him for the rest of my life...

Love vs Infatuation

What is the elusive thing called "Love" that everyone so desperately needs? Sometimes, we sort of like this girl because she is beautiful? Or the girl likes him because he is handsome? But this kind of "Cinderella Syndrome" when the girl is waiting on her Prince Charming is not real love. It is better known as "Infatuation", and there is a vast difference between it and real love. Enumerated here below are the differences. Find out if you are really in love and not just infatuated.

What is Infatuation?
Infatuation is a feeling; real love involves a commitment also. Infatuation is just love of emotion. Real love though, is love of devotion. Only the emotions are affected in infatuation, but in real love both the Emotions and Will are involved. Next, a person "fall into" infatuation, but "grows into" real love. Gentlemen, have you ever seen a girl who was so beautiful that you thought you'd faint? This is infatuation. It is based totally on physical attraction; Often you don't know much in-depth about the person you so-called love. Thus infatuation is mostly biological. Also remember; never tell a woman you love her, unless you are willing to marry her. Then, infatuation is basically selfish where real love is basically selfless. Infatuation is more interested in satisfying yourself and your "feelings" than it is in the other person. Real love is primarily interested in the other person. It seeks to give instead of get. Love unselfishly seeks the highest good for the other person. Lastly, infatuation is weakened by time and separation where real love is strengthened by time and separation. This does not mean that there will be no pain in separation. On the contrary, there is great pain in separation if you are truly in love.

What is Love?
Now you understand what infatuation is, let us now go on to discuss about Love.

1. Love is Patient - The word translated "patient" means to wait patiently for the fulfillment of expectations. When you have difficulty dating this girl and she does not want to come out of her shell, if you truly love her, you will not complain and blame her, you must look at the situation from her point of view ? maybe she is having some problems which prevented her from coming out. You must react to it with patience and understanding. Have you ever met someone you liked so much that you wanted to push the relationship and make it progress faster? Sure you have! Love, however, Love is willing to give the relationship time to grow at a natural pace. It does not push but is willing to wait for the relationship to grow at a rate that is satisfactory to both parties.

2. Love is Kind - Love seeks to encourage and build up on others. It respects the feelings and emotions of others. It finds its greatest satisfaction in making others happy, i.e. Compliment one another, magnify the other's strength, Listen to one another. Pay close attention to what each of you has to say and make each other feel that what each says is important, etc.

3. Love is not Jealous - Jealousy usually indicates an insecure and immature heart. Love wants the best for others, but jealousy is possessive. Jealous is reflected in the childish statement, "If he is going to talk to her, then he can just forget about me!" Often, one person wants to totally possess the other and to restrict her relationships with others.

4. Love is not to Brag - Love is not a windbag and is not anxious to impress. Often, a guy will brag to a girl, trying to impress her so that she will like him. A truly great person, however, does not need to exalt himself. Others will exalt him.

5. Love is not Arrogant - Love is not conceited, boastful, cocky or stuck up. Love, instead, is humble and has a servant attitude. Sometimes, a guy may come across to a girl with an "I can take you or leave you" attitude. His demeanor implies, "You ought to be thankful that somebody as neat as me is dating you". Of course this is not love.

6. Love always Covers - This word cover means to pass over in silence, to keep confidential. Love is patient with faults of others. It doesn't criticize or broadcast to the world the faults of others. Love is present even when it knows the other is not perfect.

7. Love always Perseveres - Love always stands its ground and holds out. It will outlast anything. It will even love on the face of unreturned love. Real love will last through all sorts of trials, tribulations and stresses.

8. Love is not Provoked - This means that love has a long fuse. It does not become irritated and angry. It is not easily offended. Love does not seek its own. This is the heart of love. Love is other-centered not self-centered. Love says, "I love you, I want to give you." Selfishness says, "I love you, I want you!"

9. Love does not act Unbecomingly - This means that love does not behave disgracefully, dishonorably, or indecently. It does not embarrass others by its actions. It is characterized by tact and sensitivity. This also means that love should have good manners. Be sure to do little things like opening doors for your girl or offering her your arm when you walk together.

10. Love is Forgiving - Lastly, this is a must for a successful love story. If a guy is not willing to forgive and forget when his girlfriend is only an hour late, he is not exhibiting love. Love doesn't hold grudges when it has been wronged. It doesn't remain resentful.

The Word "LOVE" Means

The dictionary describes love as "a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness", or perhaps "a feeling of intense desire and attraction towards a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance".

In truth this is only a part of what love is. Sometimes when we take time to ponder such questions we use the term meditation to describe it. However, just listen to your heart to know the answer. You can do this anywhere, anytime. However, be sure that you truly do desire an answer to your question, as the universe will answer you. The answer lives within us, for we are Love.

Love is all around and within us, for the entire universe and beyond is Love. You are a co-creator of this entire energy field. When we know our power and realise we are co-creating our lives with love, then we will start to see profound changes in our thoughts, actions, patterns, beliefs and more. We were born with this power. Love is the creator, and will create anything we desire. Free will is the ego part of ourselves. No one will ever take that away from us, for this is part of Creation. So use your ego positively to create a love-filled world. Start truly manifesting this world filled with so much love that nothing else can live in it, he will not allow anything that isn't Love.

Think of your life, think of the love that you have right now. Even in the situations you may not see as loving, remember that love is all there is. Think of the place where you live. See the love in all of creation. Now expand the vision completely outward to all areas of the universe and see Love in everything. Remember, we are Love and Love is All, we are all One, from the stars and the moon to the trees and the earth, and all things in between. Let's now use this loving energy that we have created to send out forgiveness to ourselves taking responsibility for what have created in this world. If there is anyone in your life that you have ever fought with, judged, said or done that wasn't in Love, take a moment to send forgiveness out to them. Forgive to be free of the pain and fear that was part of this relationship with ourselves.

Take a moment each day to do something that brings forth Love to those around you. It can be as simple as sending out loving thoughts to them, or show a loving action to someone who feels unloved. Often we experience emotions that we think are Love. We will see that it's not truly love, it's a fragment of love that has been "watered down". Love is all encompassing and compassionate without any judgments or attachments to the emotion. Start to look at your life from a new perspective to see where you can show the true meaning of love once again. Allow the truth of who we are, the God that has been individualised in each of us, and allow it to bring forth that true self to the world, that Unconditional Love and live the life you were meant to have.

First Time Blogging

Well...well...well... for the first time, the purpose I’m creating this blog is just to share what did I felt and experienced throughout my life... and also the things that I want to share with you guys... I’m the type of person who used to keep everything as a secret cause I don't really know how to express my feeling towards others and having difficulties to share my problems even with my own family members...and that is why I decided to start blogging. So, from now on, I will share my problems or even my stories whether it is my past or my recent stories. But please, don't ever ask for who am I behind this fake name...hahahaha~ before you comment anything, just remind yourself that this is not your story but it is mine. ADIOS~